Deal-breakers

Deal-breakers. Everybody has ‘em. For some people it’s bad teeth, or a lack of bladder control. But mine are much more specific. I did some real soul searching, and came up with my top ten deal-breakers. Here they are:

1. You don’t know the difference between you’re and your, or their, there, and they’re. OR you do know the difference but still use the wrong ones.
2. You don’t know what a muggle is. Or, for that matter, what a puggle is.
3. You always win. (I really like to win, and cannot be deprived of this 100% of the time).
4. You hold your mom’s hand when you go for a walk together. And even worse, you want to hold mine at the same time.
5. You take dating advice from this guy.
6. You weigh less than me. This is a very strict rule, and must be obeyed throughout the duration of the relationship. Failure to comply will result in immediate termination of the relationship without notice.
7. You ask me if I play basketball. No, I do not. Neither do most of the other tall people of this world.
8. You can wiggle your ears. I just cannot handle the jealously. Side note: Neal, if you are reading this and thinking “Hey! I can wiggle my ears! What does this say about our relationship?” Well, I hate to break it to you, but you can’t wiggle your ears. You can move your cheeks. And anyone can do that. Sorry.
9. You’re “not a dessert person”. (You have to wonder what is wrong with a person who claims not to like dessert. Everyone loves dessert. Even ferrets.)
10. You like to watch me sleep. And then leave me notes on my pillow before you disappear in to the night.

In keeping with the theme of this blog, I have also compiled a list of things that should be deal breakers but for some reason, are deal makers:

1. Your neck hair joins in to your beard in a werewolf-like fashion.
2. You don’t hate winter.
3. Babies like you more than they like me.
4. You hate massages.
5. It would be possible to comb, style, and braid your leg hair.
6. You shave your face with rum scented soap.
7. You think mustaches are cool.
8. The only thing you love more than beer is baking bread.
9. You don’t believe in unicorns.
10. You refuse to let me put makeup on you.

3 Ways to (Creepily) Open a Conversation With Women

Watch this: 3 Ways to Open a Conversation with a Woman

And then watch this: 3 Ways to Creepily Open a Conversation with a Woman

Man Time

This post is the result of some investigatory journalism. Today, on Peculiar Amusement, I reveal some of the long held secrets of the clandestine events that often take place during “Man Time”. I cannot disclose where I got such top secret information from, as it would likely result in attempts on my life.  Should you choose to read on, I would recommend scattering mirrors around and keeping a watchful eye. They may come for you.

1. Tickle Fights. This may be one of the best kept secrets of man time. But I am here to tell you, that once the women leave, tickle fighting ensues. To be fair, the tickle fight usually only occurs between two men who have had a man-ship (man relationship) for many years. Tickle fighting is akin to leaving the door open when you pee. It is only permitted once the relationship has reached a certain level of trust, and comfort. You may be asking yourself “but why? Why tickle fights?” To that, I can only say ‘I wish I knew.” Presumably, the answer to that question remains hidden deep in the rainforest somewhere, with the rest of life’s mysteries.

2. Beer. You may be thinking that beer and man time go together like unicorns and my yearly birthday wish. And you would be correct. So what’s the big revelation? The revelation, my friends, is the things they will do to obtain the beer. No moral boundary remains un-tested, when you combine beer and man time. If a four year old is on hand, he will certainly gain a full education in the art of beer-fetching. He may even earn his degree if he manages to succeed after being told “the beers might be up high in the fridge. You should get your stool from the bathroom.”

3. Secret Language. It took a lot of hard work and determination, but I have finally cracked the code, and deciphered the meanings to the majority of the words and phrases of the Manictionary. Here are the highlights:

Behhhhrsses: How many beers have we had?

Buuuhhr: More beer.

Fwarhhh: We should put a beer fridge up here.

Srrrahhhhpt: Sports are good.

4. Blueprints. Men often use their man time to work on the blue prints for their man cave. A man cave becomes necessary when a man lives amongst distractions, and cannot procure a suitable amount of peace and quiet to devote to his man time practice. The designs for a man cave take time to create, especially when the men creating the blueprints are under the influence of beers and sports. Often the man cave blueprints become so elaborate that a woman has to be called in to scale back the designs and restore a sense of reality.

5. Illicit sleeping. Occasionally a woman walks in on man time. Much awkwardness and confusion can often ensue, as the men exhibit slurred speech, their faces go pink with embarrassment, and they refuse to meet your gaze. Until now, women have never been able to identify the reason for the awkwardness. I can now tell you with a degree of certainty, that the men in question were likely partaking in illicit sleeping. This usually takes place on a couch, and involves an uncomfortable, seated posture. Many men have also been observed to sleep with one hand protectively wrapped around their beer. Walking in on illicit sleeping is ill-advised. Should you choose to do it, please proceed with caution. There is no telling what a startled man caught in man time sleep will do.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the results of my foray into investigatory journalism. Should you wish to contribute to the list of discoveries about man time, please feel free to do so in the comment section.

Life’s Little Pleasures

Lots of self-help books, and advice columns tell you to start enjoying the little things in life. But the problem is, they never really tell you what kinds of little things you can enjoy. And without that kind of guidance, people might think they are supposed to be enjoying hotel shampoos, toy poodles, and toothpicks. And while those are all mildly enjoyable things, I have compiled a much more comprehensive list of seven “little things” that I enjoy. Feel free to enjoy these things too.

1) Warm water in the bathroom taps. I take a strange amount of pleasure in washing my hands. And when the water in the automatic faucets at work comes out really warm, I stand there for an inappropriate amount of time, washing my hands. It’s like the joy that people get from a hot shower. A hand shower is almost as enjoyable, and also more acceptable to do in public.

2) Cookies. Enough said.

3) Feeding snacks to babies and puppies. This might expose me as being a bit creepy. But it’s pretty easy to win over both babies, and puppies, by feeding them snacks. And who doesn’t want to feel extra-loved by babies and puppies?? Tip: puppies like luncheon meats, and babies like Craisins and Bear Paws. Side note: I, also, now enjoy Bear Paws.

4) Drinking a lot of water and green tea and then peeing clear. I get a pretty large swelling of pride when I know that I am so hydrated that I’m pretty much just peeing straight up water. Disclaimer: if you do not enjoy peeing numerous times throughout the day, this small pleasure is NOT for you. But if you DO take pleasure in seeing how many bottles of water it takes for you to pee clear, then please proceed.

5) Making lists. Shocking, I know. I especially like making to-do lists, and putting little checkmark boxes beside each item. I also typically add in a few things that I have already done, so that I can check them off right away, and feel proud and accomplished.

6) Tickling people who hate to be tickled. This is really the only semi-violent/slightly sadistic little pleasure on my list. But I can’t help it. The more a person hates being tickled, the more enjoyable it is to tickle them. Forcing a person to laugh against their will is oddly satisfying. But beware of angering the ticklee. They can get violent. And you definitely do not want to choose a ticklee who is attempting #4.

7) Post-its. My love for post-its is part of a general love for office supplies (including pens, label makers, paperclips, etc). Back to school shopping was one of my very favourite excursions, as a child. But I digress. Post-its are like their own little organizational system. You’ve got standard sized post-its for larger notes, mini ones for smaller notes, you’ve got page markers, and flaggy things. The possibilities are endless!! My desk is covered in them.

*Note: Attempting all 7 of these in one day could result in extreme happiness and what is known as simple-pleasure-overload. Recommended dosage is one per day (maximum of two, if it’s a cold, dreary day, or if your goldfish just died).

Why You Should Never Date a Cowperson

If you read my blog about 5 things not to do on a first date, then you already know that dating a cowboy, or cowgirl is not a good idea. But I just got finished watching Robert Redford in The Horse Whisperer, and I need to remind myself why I should not start having cowboy fantasies.

If you are anything like me (or the majority of people out there), you have probably entertained the idea of dating a cowboy/cowgirl (cowperson?). I believe the fantasy goes something along the lines of this: The cowperson rides up to you on their horse, wearing their charmingly attractive cowperson outfit (including chaps, a cowperson hat, boots, etc), and says to you in that sexy southern twang “would you like to go for a ride?” Then the two of you ride off into the sunset together (maybe the cowperson wrangles something along the way, just to prove they’re authentic). I can personally attest to having had this fantasy a time or two. But let me be your reality check. Going on a date with a real cowperson will be NOTHING like the fantasy.

 

 

 

<——-  THE FANTASY ——->

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s what happened to me:

A friend of mine was determined to set me up on a date with one of his friends. Through some made-up algorithm, he decided that the best person to set me up with was his friend, who we’ll call “Woody”, to protect the guilty. Upon first glance, you would immediately know that there was something different about Woody. His footwear was a bit muddier than the average person’s. He smelled faintly like horses (I would later come to realize that his breath was also rather horsey. It made me wonder…) And his jeans were impossibly tight. Yep, he was a cowboy. Not in the 1960s Western movie sense of the word. But in the 21^st century, lives on a farm with cattle and horses but still goes to school and leads a seemingly regular life sense of the word.

 

<—— THE REALITY

 

So anyways, Woody and I agree to meet up for the first date at a little coffee shop that was closer to his neck of the woods, and outside the city. This seemed like good neutral territory. And in fact, the date went pretty well. We talked about friends, life ambitions, sports, food, and inevitably, our childhoods. This is where I got the first things that things might go sour. I mentioned something about my sister having had the cutest little pet bunny when we were kids, and Woody’s response was “oh ya, remember how when you were a kid, you would go out shooting bunnies? I miss being a kid!” I was stunned. Shooting bunnies!?! Why would you do that? And why would you assume that that is a normal part of childhood that everybody experiences?? Despite the fact that the topic changed pretty soon afterwards, I could not get the image of dead bunnies out of my mind for the rest of the date.

But, given that the first date had gone somewhat well up until the bunny disaster, I decided to give Woody a second chance. I was going out with friends a couple nights later, and invited him along. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I would come to gravely regret my decision to invite Woody out in to a public setting with my friends. The cowboy spent the night getting too excited about the prospect of being in a cab (and thus asking inappropriate questions like “were you a doctor in India? to the cab driver), drinking way more than his wiry country body could handle, putting two fingers in his mouth and whistling across the bar to get my attention (perhaps he had me confused with his farm animals?), and spending an inappropriate amount of time doing hitch kicks (and accidentally kicking people’s legs, ears, drinks, etc). This country boy did not know how to behave in the city.