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I Hate All Forms of Locomotion

May 26, 2010

I realize that I have been on a bit of a blogging hiatus but a) I am sure nobody cared and b) I was busy doing things like going to cottages and working. Blogging seemed like a good idea tonight for several reasons.

  1. There is nothing good on TV anymore since all the regular shows are done.
  2. I have no desire to go outside and exercise due to the inexplicable heat wave that is currently negotiating it’s way around Toronto. This heat wave has also been so kind as to give me a nice heat rash, by the way.
  3. Neal is currently much more interested in his computer and data analysis than he is in hanging out with me.
  4. I have no desire to watch hair curling videos.

So without further ado, I give you my rant on locomoting (did I just make that word up?) in Toronto.

Why I Hate Walking In Downtown Toronto: Walking in downtown Toronto is a bit like playing a game of chicken. Except most games of chicken involve both parties being on equal playing fields and this game of chicken involves a 2 ton hunk of metal and speed versus a pathetic combination of soft tissue and skinny bones. It’s like a chicken versus a dinosaur. But if you don’t play, you will be stuck on the side of the road forever, looking like the kid who desperately wants to play double dutch, but doesn’t know how to get in there. And you will waste a lot of your very precious Torontonian time. So let’s get back to the ultimate game of chicken. You must make your way across a traffic-filled street and walk with enough confidence to convince those cars to dodge around you, slow down, or come to a complete stop. Chances are that most of them are filled with rage and instead of doing any of those things, will honk at you and attempt to mow you down. An especially dangerous treat is trying to cross a street when a cab really wants to turn onto that street. They fully expect you to get out of their way or get hit. So what it boils down to is being alert, confident and having really good reflexes. I am none of these things, and as such am a failure at walking. I hate walking in downtown Toronto.

Why I Hate Driving In Downtown Toronto: Driving in downtown Toronto can only be described as a shit show. Another word I like to use is clusterfuck. There is nothing I hate more than being stuck in a clusterfuck. Oh wait, yes there is. Being stuck in a clusterfuck, FINALLY getting the chance to move, only to have a stupid pedestrian cut in front of me and casually saunter across the road. It’s like they want to be hit. I also hate it when I am finally going to have a chance to turn right (I have waited for all pedestrians to cross, including the man with the cane who did more shuffling than walking) and then an idiot on a bike comes flying by me on my right hand side, effectively nullifying my chances of turning, and blocking me until the herd of pedestrians start to move again. Driving is only enjoyable when you have the windows down and are blaring Paul Simon and making that hand wavy thing out the window because the wind feels cool. It is not enjoyable when you develop an ulcer after worrying that you might accidentally kill someone who would rather listen to their ipod than pay attention. I hate driving in downtown Toronto.

Why I Hate Biking In Downtown Toronto: Biking doesn’t really come naturally to me. I tend to be a bit awkward and unbalanced, not to mention the discomfort of sitting on something that seems designed to be more of a torture device than a seat. But biking is much faster than walking and much cheaper than driving or taking the subway, so I often find myself biking. Biking in downtown Toronto sucks because you are expected to obey all traffic laws like a vehicle, and yet you are about one hundredth their size, with a maximal speed of about 30 km an hour. It’s like telling a turtle that they have to obey all the rules that sharks live by. Turtles don’t even have gills! I do my best to stick to the right side of the road and stay out of vehicles’ way, but trucks, vans, and cars alike seem to think it is funny to drive by as fast and as close to me as possible, often grazing me with their side mirrors! And how can I be expected to wait behind a line of cars at a stoplight when there is clearly enough space in between the cars and the curb for me to mosey along to the front of the line and hang out at the stop line? And when I am angry at a car for cutting me off, they can’t even hear me ding my little purple bell. I hate biking in downtown Toronto.

So there you have it. Three reasons to become a hermit. In case being a hermit is one of your interests, here are a few more reasons:

  • Watching a lot of movies
  • Having groceries delivered
  • Hanging out naked all day
  • Being mysterious (and a bit creepy)
  • Becoming almost albino
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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Blair permalink
    May 26, 2010 10:29 pm

    Count yourself lucky with that heat. It might snow here this weekend. Best case scenario we get four days of cold and rain.

    P.S. What’s new? Its been forever!

  2. May 27, 2010 8:28 am

    I agree. Turtles should not race sharks.

  3. May 27, 2010 9:57 pm

    Blair: What’s new is that I have a job and a life and feel like a grown up! It’s weird… OH I also have a book about making lists. It is called Listography. I thought of you when I got it.

    Yuk Ling: But if they ever do…I want to watch.

  4. Catherine permalink
    June 9, 2010 1:29 am

    You didn’t mention Locomotion the dance… You can’t possibly hate that!!!

  5. Catherine permalink
    June 9, 2010 1:30 am

    On second thought it’s the longest song EVER that only gets played at weddings as an excuse for strangers to put their hands in and around your bum area… I guess you CAN hate it.

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