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How to Make Your Life More Like a Movie – Part Two

June 6, 2010

As promised, Peculiar Amusement presents to you Part Two of the How to Make Your Life More Like a Movie Saga. Do you find yourself feeling empty and sad after watching a romantic comedy, instead of lighthearted and in a pillow fight mood? Do you spend a lot of your time wondering why the men in your life look more like this than like Matthew McConaughey? And why the women look more like this than like Sandra Bullock? And do you also wonder why real people don’t ever seem to pose in the ocean? Well I wonder those things too. Luckily, I have come up with a spectacular list of…

How to Ensure Your Relationship Seems Like it Could be a Romantic Comedy

1. The Misunderstanding: This is the first step to creating an idealized relationship. There must be some sort of catalyst for the romance. And the  comedy. That is where a misunderstanding comes in to play. You are going to need to set this up. Some good ideas for misunderstandings are  “she sneezed and he thought it was an orgasm so he thinks he is really good at sex”, “he thinks the plates should go in this part of the dishwasher, but she thinks the plates could go over there”, “he met twins but each twin on a different day and he thinks they are the same person and everybody is too stupid to figure it out”, “she thinks he is a girl because of his long, curly hair, but really he is a boy, and she doesn’t realize he is hitting on her”, and lastly “she thinks he is rich because he was wearing a fancy suit with one of those pockety-flaggy things that I’m not sure what they are called. But really he is poor and thinks that love is more important than pockety-flaggy things”. Now obviously for some of these scenarios, you will need props (ie a twin. But you can usually rent those from craigslist). At some point you are going to have to remedy the misunderstanding, but it is very important that both parties involved not figure it out at the same time. I suggest you conveniently go for a walk when your partner gets that “I’m pondering” look on their face. Now you are ready for…

2. The Chase Scene: Since you are already on a walk (hopefully in some sort of part with obstacles), the stage is perfectly set for a chase scene. If you don’t think you can convince your significant other to participate in the chase scene, I suggest faking a desperate call that goes something like this: “I’m in the park…help….me… I think I just saw the Blair Witch..ahhhh! CLICK.” Make sure to include copious amounts of heavy breathing as well. When the time is just right, and you can see your significant other in the distance, begin to maneuver yourself casually through as many obstacles as you can, and watch in sheer joy as your loved one ambles their way through thickets and under barbed wire fencing, through the mud. If you really want to kick it up a notch, you should try to be on horseback. And probably naked. Soon you will be ready for…

3. The Slow Motion Run and Embrace: This is the climax of your romantic comedy, and arguably the most important step in getting teary eyed from all the romance and comedy in your life. (Side note: if you are like me, you might need a dragon for the getting teary eyed part). If you can some how get yourself from the park, to an airport for this part of the adventure, that would be best. Also acceptable is a baseball diamond while a game is going on. To maximize this part of the experience, you should probably practice your slow motion run a few times in private, because it takes awhile to master. Also, be sure to wear tight clothing so nothing pops out, because it’s even more noticeable when that happens in slow motion. You will know the time is right to begin your slow motion run when your lover is about 102 meters (or however many feet that means) away from you. Begin your run. Cherish this moment. When your arms finally meet, it is time for that climactic embrace. You should likely try to do it in a bit of a spin. And lastly, you are finally ready for that…

4. Movie Kiss: Unless you are Disney. Or Bollywood. Then you would pan away right before the kiss. But for the sake of this blog, let’s say you are rated at least PG. This last step can often be the most difficult. After all that you have been through to get to this moment, you are going to want to kiss right away. But that is not the stuff of great romantic comedies. First, one of you is going to need to brush some hair off the other one’s forehead. Or maybe remove a clump of mud left over from the chase scene. Next you are going to need to stare soulfully (and a little lustfully) into each other’s eyes for about six and a half minutes. Maybe set a timer. Once your timer beeps, it is time to start slowly leaning in for the kiss. The lean in should take approximately 48 seconds. So perhaps you better have two timers set. But be sure to preset them because you don’t want to ruin the moment. Obviously. Once your lips finally meet, you will likely hear cheering from all the people surrounding you in the airport, or all the fans in the baseball stadium. Or your room mate, if you didn’t actually manage to leave the house. Don’t let it distract you. If anything, let it spur you on. Kind of like Gladiator. Hey! This would make a great segue into making your life epic, as well!

PS: I forgot to add that if possible, to maximize the romantic comedy nature of the experience, it would be best to do all of the above in Alabama.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 7, 2010 2:52 pm

    Ah, the slow motion run! Can’t have a romantic comedy feel to your relationship without one!

  2. Catherine permalink
    June 9, 2010 1:26 am

    Question: What if my boyfriend doesn’t like the outdoors. I feel this would be a common problem facing the modern man. They just don’t like to get dirty! What if he doesn’t go for obstacles and barbed wire and chooses to pursue me with some thoughtful ‘tweets’ or Facebook ‘tags’? Do you have any suggestions for turning that into a romantic comedy?

    Thank you for giving my favorite romantic scene ‘the slow motion run’ a mention. The next time I go to an airport and see couples reuniting in regular motion is going to REALLY annoy me.

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