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An Open Letter to God or Mother Nature or Whoever is in Charge of Menstruation

June 22, 2010

DISCLAIMER: If you are an overly squeamish male who has never had a girlfriend for longer than three weeks, or didn’t grow up with sisters then do NOT proceed with reading this. I suggest you start with taking a biology class or two, and when you’ve accepted that girls fart too, you *might* be ready for this blog. If you choose to proceed, please do so at your own risk. I take no responsibility for uncontrollable freaked-out panic-spirals caused by the harsh truths expressed in this blog. You want the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! (Sorry, that was uncalled for, I just really wanted to say it).

Dear Mother Nature or God or Whoever is in charge of menstruation;

What the fuck? Why the hell did you deem menstruation a necessary part of female existence?  I suggest you bleed from your genitals for a week, get repeatedly punched in the abdomen from the inside for awhile, suddenly cry for no apparent reason, and then repeat this once a month. Then we’ll see how you feel.

Let me give you a little context. By the grace of a miracle known simply as “the pill”, I had forgotten what real menstruation was like. Unfortunately health hazards deemed it necessary for me to abandon my salvation and embrace my natural womanly cycle. I use the term embrace lightly because the truth is that I abhorred it. But I am trying to be polite in this letter. The memory loss caused by years of pill-induced bliss was reversed almost immediately upon first blood-shed…

I woke up around 7am on Saturday morning, curious as to why my hangover was causing severe abdominal pain and thoughts of impending death. After a quick trip to the bathroom I realized that my hangover was being overshadowed by my monthly visit from the lady in red. WONDERFUL. After taking care of a few things I laid back down in bed, planning on going back to sleep. But menstruation had other plans for me. Suddenly an epic battle was being waged upon me by my ovaries. They fought viciously and relentlessly. I was defenseless. I’d heard of a defense called “midol” but my ovaries had struck quickly, rendering the limbs required for fetching said medications useless. I lay in bed, knowing this was the end, and searching for meaning in my short-lived life. I mentally went over my bucket list:

  • Fall in love – check
  • Have a family – no check, and after today pretty sure it is out of the question as my ovaries and uterus clearly hate me and I would need their cooperation for labour.
  • Win the lottery – no check. Dammit why couldn’t death have waited a few more days?? The lotto max draw is on Friday! I will my ticket on the fridge to Neal. Please use the winnings wisely. I would like to be buried in a diamond casket. Thanks.
  • Become a wizard – definitely no check. A wand and magical powers would be really handy right now. At least then I could entertain myself by making the furniture dance around and sing like on Beauty and the Beast, while I die my slow death.

After my bucket-list review I came to the conclusion that I am a failure at life. Just when I was congratulating my ovaries on their efficient battle strategies, and preparing to surrender to death, the blinding pain subsided. I was lulled into a deep slumber, while my internal organs recuperated from the war.

Later that night…

After watching a movie in bed, and spooning with Neal, I felt extremely blissed out and happy. Life seemed good. Nemo found his dad and the world seemed good again. I prepared myself yet again, for sleep. I felt like I was drifting off when out of nowhere I felt very strongly like everything was going wrong in the world, and my life was terrible. My chest heaved violently and I began to sob. What the hell was going on?? I sniffled and turned over, trying to conceal my emotional outburst from Neal, for fear of sympathy making it worse. Luckily he was convinced I was getting sick and was content to stay on his side of the bed. I cried for no apparent reason for a good ten minutes before convincing myself that nothing had changed in the world and I must be experiencing one of those hormonal overloads I had heard of, that are associated with female genital hemorrhaging. Confidant with my assessment, and exhausted after my emotional overload, I flipped my tear soaked pillow over and fell asleep.

Cut to four more days of the above and you arrive at me. A very angry Hayleigh. So I am writing to you to lodge a formal complaint. I will reiterate it, in case you forgot. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Why is it necessary for all women (of baby-making age) to bleed from the vagina, endure abdomen punching, and become emotionally unstable every freaking month! I am pretty sure if we put our heads together we can come up with a suitable alternative. In fact, how about making this G20 thinger useful and raising the topic there? Here are some suggestions for alternate monthly occurrences to replace menstruation:

  • A unicorn visits each woman and makes a rainbow
  • All men shave their mustaches off
  • A random spider dies
  • I eat cheesecake

I hope you will take my complaints and suggestions into consideration.

Sincerely,

Hayleigh A. Bird

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. Jenna permalink
    June 22, 2010 11:45 pm

    “A unicorn visits each woman and makes a rainbow” LMAOOOOO I’m at work right now and dying at this.

    • June 23, 2010 7:55 am

      If Mother Nature is the one responsible for this, shame on her for disgracing her own sex. But she could definitely make it up to me with unicorns and rainbows.

  2. Jamie ... the one who is doing Vanessa permalink
    June 23, 2010 12:54 am

    You misses… have a knack for the funny. /applaud.

    • June 23, 2010 7:57 am

      Why thank you! I would be decidedly less funny if my life was ordinary/boring so I guess I should also thank God/Mother Nature for the various disasters (such as menstruation) that I encounter.

    • June 23, 2010 3:29 pm

      I like how your name includes doing me.

  3. June 23, 2010 8:57 am

    Dear Hayleigh A. Bird,

    Thank you for your interest in our organization. Your comments are very much appreciated.

    We are aware of the quirks in your chassis, but we are unable to provide replacement parts at this time. However, rest assured that the matter will resolve itself within 40 years.

    Until then, please enjoy this autographed picture of yours truly.

    Sincerely,

    Mother N. and the Nature Group Ltd.

    • June 23, 2010 6:01 pm

      Dear Mother N and the Nature Group Ltd.

      I find your response unsatisfactory. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer soon. His name is Hades. I suggest you try the pomegranate when you visit his office. Very tasty.

      Sincerely,

      Hayleigh A. Bird

    • June 24, 2010 9:03 am

      Dear Hayleigh A. Bird,

      We regret this unfortunate turn of events.

      We have heard from your attorney. He has been removed from the case due to sexual misconduct and various conflicts of interest. The pomegranate was indeed delicious.

      Our countersuit is forthcoming, vis-a-vis the character assassination of our beloved Mother N.

      Sincerely,

      The Nature Group, Ltd.

      • June 24, 2010 4:49 pm

        Dear Nature Group, Ltd

        Sexual misconduct is subjective. Hades continually knocks those harassment suits down like a swatter hitting flies. He has some powerful friends. So good luck with that.

        I’ll also be suing you for venting your frustrations over this matter by taking unnecessary physical action against me in the form of earthquakes and tornado warnings.

        Best of luck,

        Hayleigh A. Bird

    • June 24, 2010 9:40 pm

      Dear Ms. Bird,

      Mr. Hades also has powerful enemies. We suggest you sever all ties with him until the investigation concerning his niece (Mother N.’s daughter) is concluded. We fear for your safety in the company of a self-styled “Lord of Death.”

      As for the earthquakes, etc. – we regret to inform you that your blame is misplaced. Cases of divine intervention are beyond our pale. Please refer to your owner’s manual, under “God, Acts of.”

      Warm regards,

      The Nature Group Ltd.

  4. June 23, 2010 3:32 pm

    I read this on my way to work this morning on my phone (that’s right. I read your blog on my phone!)

    And I nearly died of laughter. No, I’m serious. I couldn’t breathe for a second there.

    Damn Mother Nature and our ovaries! Damn them to hell!

  5. Stacey permalink
    June 23, 2010 11:09 pm

    ahh hayleigh! my friend who i have always considered #1 in need of ‘the pill’ for menstruation reasons!!…i’m sorry to hear you are without!

    although sad that you went through such torture, it was quite funny material for your blog! 😉

    also, strangely after i finished reading this i noticed Leona Lewis’ “Bleeding Love” song was playing on the radio……interesting…

    • June 24, 2010 8:04 am

      Oh Stac bahahahah I love that fate played you a soundtrack for my blog! That is awesome. And I definitely need to figure out some other way to combat this menstruation thing! I am so lost without the pill…hahaha.

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