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Five Things NOT to do on a First Date

August 6, 2010

First dates are stressful, awkward, embarrassing and often induce mild to severe sweating. Never fear, your dating guru is here! Though it has been awhile since I have been out on the field, I still have some very vivid memories of the process and I am here to share with you the benefits of my wisdom.

And as such, I give to you, a list of things you should NEVER do on a first date (or second, or third or fourth for that matter. If you are exceptionally cute and charming, you may be able to get away with some of them by the 5th date but I would do so at your own risk).

1) Do not fall asleep. You may be wondering how you might possibly fall asleep on a date. Well maybe you wouldn’t fall asleep if you did something exciting like go to the theatre or a fancy dinner. But not everybody can afford those types of dates and some people have to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while watching a TV movie. And TV movies are usually not very good so falling asleep is a distinct possibility. And if you fall asleep, any number of awful things could happen. For example, you could wake up to “The Helicopter”  which is probably at least in the top ten worst ways to get woken up.

2) Do not send a text message to your bff half way through the evening, speculating as to whether or not your date has a sex swing. Also do not accidentally send that text message to your date instead of your friend. Much awkwardness will ensue and no amount of lying or playing dumb will get you out of it. Plus the chances of your date actually confirming or denying the accusation are slim, and as such you will find yourself constantly searching for some sort of rigging when you are at their apartment.

3) Do not initiate a “speed round” of questions. The occasional “where did you grow up?” and “do you have any pets?” is perfectly acceptable. A continuous string of questions in rapid-fire mode is not. Here is an example of a speed round of questions that you do NOT want to initiate: “what’s your star sign? How many cats do you think is acceptable for one person to have? What do you think happens to people after they die? Is there a history of diabetes or male pattern baldness in your family history? Where do you see yourself in 6.43 years from now? Is that your natural hair colour? Does it creep you out if people watch you while you sleep?” You may be thinking “but a speed round is a good way to find out everything I want to know about my date really quickly and then they don’t have a chance to think about their answers and lie”. Well that may be true, but lying is just a part of dating. You will have to accept that.

4) Do not eat a white chocolate brownie with whipped cream and ice cream. Actually, let me amend that. Do not eat a white chocolate brownie with whipped cream and ice cream if you are lactose intolerant. You should especially not do this if your date is going to involve hiking up a hill with no bathrooms at the top, to watch the fireworks. In case you can’t guess what would happen, I will tell you. You would get halfway up the hill, start to feel sick, and insist your date take you home immediately. Then you would spend the entire car ride home terrified that you might not make it to the bathroom on time. Then when you finally got home, you would jump out of the car, sprint to your house and never look back or talk to that date again.

5) Do not date a cowboy/cowgirl. You’ve probably had fantasies about what this would be like; you’re intrigued by the sexy outfits, the sunset horseback rides, and that smooth country twang voice. Let me be your reality check. Even if those things are true, it is not worth it. While you may enjoy spending time in his/her “neck of the woods”, your first date in the city will cancel all that goodness out. Your country date will undoubtedly engage in inappropriate behaviors upon entering the city, effectively embarrassing all parties involved. He or she will likely get way too excited about the prospect of getting somewhere in a cab, and demand that the “cabbie” tell you whether he was a doctor or a lawyer in India. He or she will also likely say things like “ah laaaack yeh cuhse yer sweet the me” (loosely translated to mean “I like you because you’re sweet to me”), after which that country twang will seem more annoying than cute. And lastly, they are apt to hitch kick  at random times, for no apparent reason. Nobody wants that in a date.

If you have any specific questions about dating, please feel free to post a comment. I have a wealth of insider information. Please feel free to also share your own tips.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. Stacey permalink
    August 7, 2010 10:55 am

    Umm…this leaves me wondering if and when you have been woken by ‘the helicopter’……..haha

    • August 7, 2010 7:02 pm

      That one happened to me way back in high school! Hahaha. So I’ll let you connect the dots…

  2. Jenna permalink
    August 9, 2010 8:27 pm

    Bwahahahaha so many memories….and so many more inappropriate things I could add….

  3. August 16, 2010 1:47 pm

    I must find out more about this Helicopter incident!

    • August 16, 2010 3:02 pm

      Hahaha I will tell you alllllll about it (and many more stories that I decided not to share in this particular post) at one of our sleep overs this week!

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  1. Why You Should Never Date a Cowperson « Peculiar Amusement

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