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Why You Should Never Date a Cowperson

October 15, 2010

If you read my blog about 5 things not to do on a first date, then you already know that dating a cowboy, or cowgirl is not a good idea. But I just got finished watching Robert Redford in The Horse Whisperer, and I need to remind myself why I should not start having cowboy fantasies.

If you are anything like me (or the majority of people out there), you have probably entertained the idea of dating a cowboy/cowgirl (cowperson?). I believe the fantasy goes something along the lines of this: The cowperson rides up to you on their horse, wearing their charmingly attractive cowperson outfit (including chaps, a cowperson hat, boots, etc), and says to you in that sexy southern twang “would you like to go for a ride?” Then the two of you ride off into the sunset together (maybe the cowperson wrangles something along the way, just to prove they’re authentic). I can personally attest to having had this fantasy a time or two. But let me be your reality check. Going on a date with a real cowperson will be NOTHING like the fantasy.

 

 

 

<——-  THE FANTASY ——->

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s what happened to me:

A friend of mine was determined to set me up on a date with one of his friends. Through some made-up algorithm, he decided that the best person to set me up with was his friend, who we’ll call “Woody”, to protect the guilty. Upon first glance, you would immediately know that there was something different about Woody. His footwear was a bit muddier than the average person’s. He smelled faintly like horses (I would later come to realize that his breath was also rather horsey. It made me wonder…) And his jeans were impossibly tight. Yep, he was a cowboy. Not in the 1960s Western movie sense of the word. But in the 21st century, lives on a farm with cattle and horses but still goes to school and leads a seemingly regular life sense of the word.

 

<—— THE REALITY

 

So anyways, Woody and I agree to meet up for the first date at a little coffee shop that was closer to his neck of the woods, and outside the city. This seemed like good neutral territory. And in fact, the date went pretty well. We talked about friends, life ambitions, sports, food, and inevitably, our childhoods. This is where I got the first things that things might go sour. I mentioned something about my sister having had the cutest little pet bunny when we were kids, and Woody’s response was “oh ya, remember how when you were a kid, you would go out shooting bunnies? I miss being a kid!” I was stunned. Shooting bunnies!?! Why would you do that? And why would you assume that that is a normal part of childhood that everybody experiences?? Despite the fact that the topic changed pretty soon afterwards, I could not get the image of dead bunnies out of my mind for the rest of the date.

But, given that the first date had gone somewhat well up until the bunny disaster, I decided to give Woody a second chance. I was going out with friends a couple nights later, and invited him along. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I would come to gravely regret my decision to invite Woody out in to a public setting with my friends. The cowboy spent the night getting too excited about the prospect of being in a cab (and thus asking inappropriate questions like “were you a doctor in India? to the cab driver), drinking way more than his wiry country body could handle, putting two fingers in his mouth and whistling across the bar to get my attention (perhaps he had me confused with his farm animals?), and spending an inappropriate amount of time doing hitch kicks (and accidentally kicking people’s legs, ears, drinks, etc). This country boy did not know how to behave in the city.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 1, 2010 3:08 pm

    Good thing cowboys don’t do it for me!

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